Single Parent Holiday
Turkey for dinner, going to Grandma’s, baking cookies, trimming the tree, going shopping, wrapping presents…all the festivities of the holidays. Statistics show that many of us now in the parenting role, did not grow up as children in single parent households. Things are different for our children than they were for us. If we thought it was all too much to handle when we were young, imagine what our children go through when all the activity is doubled by doing each of these tasks or activities with each parent separately.
How can you assure that your child remains a child of wonder during what can be a stressful time for us adults?
Take a look at the traditions you and your family continue.
There was a story about a woman who cut the ends of the ham off before putting it into the oven. One day her son asked her why she did that. She replied that it was what her mother had done, so that is how she learned. In the infinite wisdom and tenacity of children, again her son asked, “But, why?” She thought for a moment, could not come up with a reply, so picked up the phone and called her mother. Her own mother came up with the same reply that she had; that it was the way her mother had done it, so she had always done it that way. So this time, the mother of the young son called her own grandmother to answer the burning question. Grandma replied, “Because the ham wouldn’t fit in my small oven.” Years of tradition that no longer held any validity.
When scheduling activities for the holidays, stop and consider if this is something that works for you and your child. Several years ago, I discarded the baking of holiday cookies. I know I did not need to eat the extra calories sitting around the house, and neither did my children. It was an activity that held no meaning for us. Sure, there are times when my children and I bake cookies together, but we do it occasionally throughout the year, not as a task during the holidays.
Start new traditions that work for your family’s unique situation.
A friend of mine from divorced parents married a man who was also from divorced parents. The first few years of their marriage, they managed to attend five family holiday dinners (Grandma’s too) on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When they had children, they realized the insanity of it all, and told everyone they were hosting their own event. If the grandparents wanted to see the grandkids on that day, they would need to come to their house.
If you and your child are being inundated with invitations for the holidays and feel compelled to spend time with each person involved, consider hosting your own event or celebration, where all who love and care for you and your child can come. You won’t be spreading yourself thin between different events, you can relax and enjoy yourself in the comfort of your own home. It doesn’t have to be a difficult thing to do, just vacuum the house and ask everyone to bring their favorite potluck dish. You get to arrange it around nap time and pick a date that works for you.
New traditions don’t have to be confined to family celebrations. In this tight economy, consider making gifts. Do a small craft project with your child and give them as Christmas ornaments. Every year I hang a picture frame made of popsicle sticks that my grown nephew made when he was five. It is precious to me. Not only will loved ones get something made from your child’s own hand, but it will let your child sit, relax and create, in the midst of what could be a time of whirlwind activities. Children love to be creative and feel proud of their accomplishments. Give them the opportunity to shine and to give from their heart and soul.
Communicate with your child’s other parent.
While every parenting situation is unique, most parents want what is best for their children. If you want to scale down the festivities of the holidays, talk with your child’s other parent. Decide between the two of you, who will take him to cut the Christmas tree, and who will help him string the popcorn. Maybe you want your child to experience the fullness of the holidays, and not miss any of the traditions. That’s fine, but he doesn’t need to do them all twice to fulfill your ideal of tradition.
Also communicate about gifts for your child. Often a non-custodial parent may go overboard on gifts. Try to make an agreement between the two of you on what would be appropriate, not only in the number of gifts, but on the value of the gifts.
No matter what, respect the other parent.
Life and relationships can get messy. Whether your single parent-ness was a circumstance you chose or was chosen for you, your child has you and his other parent and the two of you will be his parents forever. The best gift you can give your child is to treat his other parent with respect. Don’t speak ill of your ex. Take the high road, and make sure your child has a gift for his other parent. By doing so, you allow him to show the love he feels inside freely. The gift doesn’t need to be extravagant, it can be something homemade.
Be a role model.
The holidays are meant to be a joyful time, but so often we tell ourselves, “I can’t wait to get through the holidays.” They weren’t meant to be muddled through but to be experienced. Your attitude can easily be transferred to your child, through no particular intent of your own. Children are young and look to you to know how to react to different situations. Don’t you want for them to grow up enjoying the magic of the holidays, the feeling of closeness with family, instead of the drudge and endless parade of activities that can easily overwhelm ones so young? If you are being overwhelmed, stop, and breathe deep. Choose how to react.
Take time for yourself.
Being a single parent can be very stressful. It is important, now more than ever, to take time for yourself and relax and recharge. It is not a selfish thing to do, but a selfless thing to do. If you are a happier more balanced person, you will be a better parent. You will have more patience, and more energy to deal with what comes your way. The time you take for yourself can be spent however you choose, but let it serve you, and not be an opportunity where you try to fit in one more task for the holidays. Take a bubble bath, sit and watch the game, get a pedicure, arrange to meet your friends for Happy Hour – whatever it is that allows you to sit and just be, not do.
Most important, keep in mind the intent of the holiday celebrations – whether for you that is family, or a spiritual celebration, or an attitude of gratitude. The holidays are meant to celebrate these emotions, these attitudes, not to be an endless parade of meaningless activities. Celebrate, be in the moment, be there for your children and let them feel the magic of the holidays.
Rena Tuttle is an author and certified professional life coach with a background in early childhood education. Check out her website at www.RenaTuttle.com
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